messy

So, my living space is a reflection on my life and my ministry. I am feeling a bit stressed out and a little anxious. When I hear other people discussing this I think I could loss my mind. The stress of my mess is almost comforting at times. It is consistent and mine. I feel in control almost. Is that insane? Growing up and feeling "required" to be so tidy has almost ruined me. WIth a father who was so controlling and always expecting everything to b so "perfect." Held to standards that I knew I could not keep for myself. I am working on me but I fear that sometimes I have swung so far to the other end of the pendulum. it's terrifying at times.

These past few weeks have been far too long. I feel useless and empty and broken and alone. I have to to get away... I HAVE GOT TO GET AWAY!!!! Not just from Lubbock from from me it feels. Who have I become... what have I become???? i will be the women that no man wants to marry and this terrifies me. I am messy and broken and out of control... what does this say about me to any man that might even consider me.

I haven't spent anytime in the kitchen today. "well that's not a surprise" what am I to do with statements like that? i am lost in a place that feels lost and terrifying and a like it's falling apart.

i spent all day on the couch feeling sick. today I was supposed to clean and than I didn't and here it goes again. Lost in my own thoughts and feeling s of loss... loss of what, I honestly am not sure. Loss of me maybe... my identity... that which defines me and completes me.

I need something more.